You are Worthy
I grew up feeling loved by my Dad, and worthless by my Mom. I became a perfectionist in an attempt to pull some sort of affirmation from my Mom. I lived to make her proud of me. Sadly, it has never come to fruition and all I got from it is frustration and anxiety. I’m old enough to not be a victim or play the blame game for any bad behavior I can exhibit time to time, but it still gets to me after all these years.
My Dad has shown me such unconditional love over the years. No matter how mad I would get at him when I was a young girl, or when my mouth gets ahead of me as an adult, he still loves me. Despite the love I received, and still do, there was always this nagging voice in my mind that told me I would never be good enough or worthy enough. That’s where my perfectionism is rooted. This determination to one day be told I did something worthy of a mother’s love was my focus even when it wasn’t my focus. I felt like I was able to overcome so much of this when I was a stay-at-home Mom for almost 12 years. It was challenging at times, but I loved so much of it and felt like I was a success. I love my sons fiercely and unconditionally. I am always proud of them and their accomplishments. I’m also proud of them when they try and fail, because at least they tried!
When I finished my degree and decided to go back to work, this is when I saw that perfectionism and frustration raise its ugly head once again. When I work so hard and years go by without promotion, it brings me right back to feeling like I’m worthless. Realistically, I know I am not and I know my boss doesn’t feel that way, but it’s rooted so deep inside of me, I struggle to get rid of it. How is it even possible to feel accomplished, confident, and find success, yet still struggle with not being good enough?
This brings me to a turning point for me that still brings me to tears. I was at a Women’s Conference this spring at my church. Going to things like these are so out of my comfort zone as I struggle big time with social anxiety and awkwardness. Anyway, my church always has gifts and giveaways for these meetings and they display these gifts at the front, on the stage. I don’t normally win things, but as I look upon this big vase sitting there shining so brightly, I felt like the Lord told me I was worthy of this vase. Not necessarily this vase, but the meaning behind it was what this vase represented. I was shook. This vase was the Grand Prize. I was sitting there minding my own business when I felt God speak those words to me. As I drove home for the lunch break, I began to tell my husband about this and the emotion of it all brought me to tears. God said I was worthy. The Creator of the Heavens and the Earth said I am worthy. I could barely get these words out. This revelation was slowly pulling on that root of perfectionism and unworthiness that was instilled inside of me as a little girl. After lunch, I went back to the Women’s Conference and needless to say, I did not win the vase, but it was still such a good conference and I won that vase in my heart with those words God spoke to me.
Shortly after this conference was my Anniversary, and very unexpectedly my husband walks into my room with this Vase! I assumed he went out and found a duplicate vase like the one at the Conference, but as the tears streamed down my face, he told me how he reached out to one of our Pastors to find out where she got it. After he explained what the Lord spoke to me at the conference, she let him know who won it and the woman who actually won it was more than happy to give it to him so that I could have it. I was absolutely shocked!
This vase now sits on my dresser in my bedroom as a reminder that I am good enough. I am worthy of God’s love. I am worthy to be healed. I am worthy of promotion. I do work hard and I do believe effort is also necessary. You’re not going to give 50% of yourself at a job and expect to get promoted. Please don’t hear what I’m not saying. I don’t have to be perfect for God to love me, or my husband to love me, or my family etc. In the same way, you don’t have to be perfect to feel worthy of being loved and appreciated. Don’t allow anybody else’s insecurities to tell you different. Sometimes God uses things like vases to speak to you. Listen to Him and understand who you are in Christ. God did not create us to feel worthless. He created us to be loved and to love because we are worthy of love!
It is so easy this election cycle to become frustrated and angry. I know I have. I feel like I can present the truth to people, yet they will prefer to stay blinded. I hear talk about fear of this person winning or that person winning. Truthfully, I get nervous when I think somebody as corrupt and untrustworthy as Hillary Clinton could possibly be nominated. What will this mean for my children, who democrats believe aren’t really my children?
This election season, vote without fear. Vote because you need to stand up for this nation and what this nation was founded on. Too many Christians are saying they can’t morally vote for Trump but yet they joyfully voted for Romney in the last election, even though Mormonism is considered a cult. Trump may not have all the traits you believe he should, but he understands the attacks that are happening to Christians here and around the world. He understands that churches should not be silenced any longer out of fear. He understands that our 2nd amendment rights are NOT to be infringed upon. He understands that making this nation great again means returning back to our constitutional rights given by God and not the government.
I try to live my life to the best of my ability. I could sit in my room and be angry because of different situations I have had growing up. I could blame my failures on my parents. I could blame so many things on the continuous rejection and hatred I feel from my own Mother, but I don’t. I won’t allow myself to play a victim. I won’t allow my children to see me as anything but their Mother who knows her value in life.
I have so much respect and awe in people who live as overcomers. They may have been abused growing up, but they don’t live in their past. They live in the identity they know they have in Christ. When I see a man who didn’t have a father, and he chooses to live his life as a man of God who strives to be the best father he can be, I have so much respect for him. When I see somebody who is fighting such sickness or disease, yet they live their life giving Glory to God and don’t make their sickness their identity, I am in awe. These people understand their identity is not in sickness or being fatherless or being abused.
I am a hugely political person. I have chosen up to this point to not write about political things, although those who know me personally, know how I feel about so many different things in the political realm. I am clearly a very conservative woman based on all I have written about up to this point. I believe in the Bible first and foremost. I make my decisions based on the Word of God. I believe every person in this nation needs to do their own research on each candidate. We cannot merely believe that our media represents us or that manipulation is not happening all around us. Politics has become more about manipulating an audience, manipulating our emotions, and manipulating facts than about desiring to continue to build a nation on the original foundation that we once held dear.
Let’s be smart about this. Vote what you feel is the best. Remember, nothing comes free. Everything has its cost. Always do your research and understand that our founding fathers put things into place, such as our Constitution and Bill of Rights, in order to protect us from the very things that are trying to overtake us in this time. These are truly God given rights. We are all equal and we all have a right to protect ourselves. We have a right to religious freedom and no true leader should ever even want to take these freedoms away. Don’t let guilt or shame dictate who you vote for. God is a sovereign God, but He also gave us free will to make our own choices. What choice will you make?
Truthfully, I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed this semester in college. Okay, really overwhelmed! I really like things to be clear; black and white. I don’t like grey areas. I don’t like confusion. I want the professors to tell me what to do and less difficult ways for me to figure out how to do it than what they are. I feel like some of those professors are sitting at home twirling their mustaches (or hair for the ladies) and maniacally laughing at me. I have been doing group assignments and I don’t know that we are helping each other much at all. We have one teacher that is completely unavailable and we don’t even know if she knows what is going on. Nobody has even heard from her more than three weeks into the class! This final semester is our test. Have we learned enough and can we use our knowledge to step into the business world?
Spend time with God. When you spend time with somebody, you begin to recognize their voice more and more each time you talk with them. It’s the same way with God. The more time we spend with Him, the more we recognize His voice. He loves us and He loves us to talk with Him. We don’t need to be constantly making demands on Him. His word [Bible] tells us that He will take care of us. He wants us to get to know Him and converse with Him. He wants to hear us worship Him and tell Him how much we love Him. He is worthy of this.
I have many different passions in my life, but one of my greatest passions is worship. I love to worship God and throughout my life thus far, I have been blessed to either have been part of a worship team, or lead a worship team. I love it. I love singing and playing my keyboard and passionately pursuing God.
I also understand that not everybody worships the same way. I don’t expect everybody to be leaping and dancing in ways they can’t. I wish I could dance like I see some people dance. My way of dancing for Him is pretty much jumping up and down. Not joking! I want you to begin to tune out your flesh. I want you to imagine it is only you and Jesus and you want to worship Him in your own way. My voice is my worship. My fingers are my worship. Raising my hands is my worship. Sometimes shuffling my feet back and forth is my worship. Sometimes I cannot do anything but lay flat on the ground and worship Him.
I am so fascinated by the story of Peter walking on the water. There are so many angles to look at this and so many lessons to be learned. Peter was the only one that stepped out of the boat. They all doubted that this was Jesus and Peter said if it was Jesus, to command him [Peter] to come out on the water. Jesus held so much authority to Peter, than when He commanded Peter to come, Peter got out of the boat and walked out to Jesus. When Peter realized that the wind was boisterous, he began to be afraid. He knew, however, that all he had to do was cry out to Jesus, and Jesus would save him from drowning.
Peter gets so much flack. He cuts off the soldier’s ear. He publicly denounces knowing Jesus three times. Even knowing some of his big mistakes, Peter is the type of guy I would love to hang out with. Peter would be the first to do something every time! He must have been so much fun.
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