You are Worthy

I grew up feeling loved by my Dad, and worthless by my Mom. I became a perfectionist in an attempt to pull some sort of affirmation from my Mom. I lived to make her proud of me. Sadly, it has never come to fruition and all I got from it is frustration and anxiety. I’m old enough to not be a victim or play the blame game for any bad behavior I can exhibit time to time, but it still gets to me after all these years.

My Dad has shown me such unconditional love over the years. No matter how mad I would get at him when I was a young girl, or when my mouth gets ahead of me as an adult, he still loves me. Despite the love I received, and still do, there was always this nagging voice in my mind that told me I would never be good enough or worthy enough. That’s where my perfectionism is rooted. This determination to one day be told I did something worthy of a mother’s love was my focus even when it wasn’t my focus. I felt like I was able to overcome so much of this when I was a stay-at-home Mom for almost 12 years. It was challenging at times, but I loved so much of it and felt like I was a success. I love my sons fiercely and unconditionally. I am always proud of them and their accomplishments. I’m also proud of them when they try and fail, because at least they tried!

When I finished my degree and decided to go back to work, this is when I saw that perfectionism and frustration raise its ugly head once again. When I work so hard and years go by without promotion, it brings me right back to feeling like I’m worthless. Realistically, I know I am not and I know my boss doesn’t feel that way, but it’s rooted so deep inside of me, I struggle to get rid of it. How is it even possible to feel accomplished, confident, and find success, yet still struggle with not being good enough?

This brings me to a turning point for me that still brings me to tears. I was at a Women’s Conference this spring at my church. Going to things like these are so out of my comfort zone as I struggle big time with social anxiety and awkwardness. Anyway, my church always has gifts and giveaways for these meetings and they display these gifts at the front, on the stage. I don’t normally win things, but as I look upon this big vase sitting there shining so brightly, I felt like the Lord told me I was worthy of this vase. Not necessarily this vase, but the meaning behind it was what this vase represented. I was shook. This vase was the Grand Prize. I was sitting there minding my own business when I felt God speak those words to me. As I drove home for the lunch break, I began to tell my husband about this and the emotion of it all brought me to tears. God said I was worthy. The Creator of the Heavens and the Earth said I am worthy. I could barely get these words out. This revelation was slowly pulling on that root of perfectionism and unworthiness that was instilled inside of me as a little girl. After lunch, I went back to the Women’s Conference and needless to say, I did not win the vase, but it was still such a good conference and I won that vase in my heart with those words God spoke to me.

Shortly after this conference was my Anniversary, and very unexpectedly my husband walks into my room with this Vase! I assumed he went out and found a duplicate vase like the one at the Conference, but as the tears streamed down my face, he told me how he reached out to one of our Pastors to find out where she got it. After he explained what the Lord spoke to me at the conference, she let him know who won it and the woman who actually won it was more than happy to give it to him so that I could have it. I was absolutely shocked!

This vase now sits on my dresser in my bedroom as a reminder that I am good enough. I am worthy of God’s love. I am worthy to be healed. I am worthy of promotion. I do work hard and I do believe effort is also necessary. You’re not going to give 50% of yourself at a job and expect to get promoted. Please don’t hear what I’m not saying. I don’t have to be perfect for God to love me, or my husband to love me, or my family etc. In the same way, you don’t have to be perfect to feel worthy of being loved and appreciated. Don’t allow anybody else’s insecurities to tell you different. Sometimes God uses things like vases to speak to you. Listen to Him and understand who you are in Christ. God did not create us to feel worthless. He created us to be loved and to love because we are worthy of love!


Masculinity and My Sons

I grew up in North Dakota and moved to North Carolina in my 30s with my 4 sons. After months living in the South, I became pregnant with my fifth son. My surprise baby, that is the most amazing final addition to our family that we never knew we needed. God knew I needed five sons to make our family whole. I thank God for them every single day. Now, I’m thankful for them every day, but that doesn’t mean they don’t challenge me most days. I love it and I wouldn’t change anything.

I now have two in college and the rest in state public schools. Raising five sons to be masculine and strong in today’s society can be a challenge as I’m sure you know yourself. If you’ve ready my blog before, you know I was raised in a home with a full blown Narcissist Mother and a Father that learned not to stir the pot. I adore my Father and to this day, consider him to be one of the greatest, smartest, kindest, selfless men I know. I considered my Dad to be masculine in so many ways. He used to lift weights when I was a little girl. He worked, and still works, a very physical job. He made [mostly] sound financial decisions. One thing my Dad lacked, was the masculinity and the strength to stand up to my Mother when she was so often abusive and wrong. My Dad and I are in such a great place now. I love him and he is and always will be a hero to me. I am my father’s daughter. I have his sense of humor. I look like him. I have his work ethic almost to a fault. One thing that I have that I did not get from him, is the ability to stand up and confront injustices. What my Mother got away with was an injustice. She abused in verbal, mental, and emotional ways to myself and my brother that will forever affect us. I stood up to her, and became one of her conquests to attempt to destroy in every way. She has not and will not ever succeed.

Yes, I absolutely forgive. I have forgiven my Father for not standing up for us and himself when he should have. I have forgiven those friends and relatives who would not stand up to my Mother when they saw what she did to us. I will not wallow in my pain. I will choose to be an overcomer and not a victim. In saying that, I want to use my knowledge and past to help those who may be in the same situation. I want to use what I have learned in my childhood to teach my sons how to be masculine and strong and unafraid to stand up to forces that tell them that strength is wrong. I teach them to stand up for women and in the future, their wives.

I teach them to speak up for what is right, maybe not by the world’s standards, but by the word of God. I want them to be the strength and masculinity that the world wants to destroy. They are men of God and I pray they are and will continue to be unafraid to be who God has called them to be.

Masculinity is not toxic. My sons are not toxic. My husband is not toxic. What is toxic is the world teaching women that men are less than, just as women are not supposed to be less than. My sons will not be feminized or told they are toxic merely because they show strength and masculinity.

Why must the world be tossed between extremes?? Women did not have the same rights as men in history. I am truly grateful for so much of feminism in the way that I am able to work, vote, and use my voice to speak to those who will listen. I am also grateful that despite the efforts of too many in the world, my sons are following Godly principles and morals. They are not perfect, but they are my beautiful, masculine, strong, young men and I am so proud to call them my five sons.

Bible boys child children Christ Christians church college faith family Father fear fight forgiveness God grace Humility husband Jesus Job kids life Lord love man marriage men mercy mom mother parents prayer repent sin social media sons spouse thankful trust unforgiveness wife woman words worship Worship Leader

Today is the Day

Today is Easter. Today I decided to start my New Year’s resolution. It’s never too late. My shins are sore and I am coughing so much but I did it. I went out and ran a little and walked a little and ran a little bit more. I keep thinking that I need to lose some weight before I try to start running again. Look at what I’ve done then in these last 3 1/2 months….NOTHING!

running-1705716_1280I get hard on myself and I keep procrastinating and end up not doing anything and then I end up only feeling worse about myself. I think we all have things in our lives that we want to do and we end up having so many reasons why we aren’t doing it. Stop doing that to yourself. Today I went outside and started running. Today, you can start doing what you have always wanted to do. My goal is to run a 5k faster than I did when I used to run before. I am a slow runner. I am not trying to be negative about myself, but I have never been known as Speedy! I have always been able to run long distances; just not fast. I decided to give myself a hashtag today, #tiredofbeingthefatfriend; I’m gonna replace that from now on with #fitwithmyfriends.

What have you been putting off? Stop it! Now is the time. watch-1267418_1280

Have you always wanted to start a business? Have you wanted to compete in something? Have you always wanted to write a book? (ahem, Husband of mine!) 

Don’t let negativity and/or procrastination hold you back. Now, if you think you are going to be the next big worship leader or singer and you don’t have the gift of singing, don’t be surprised and don’t be angry. I wish I could dance. I’ve always wished I could dance but I have absolutely no gifting to do it. I’ll dance for Jesus on my own and He loves it, but that’s because I’m His Favorite one and He loves me so much. We have to be realistic with our goals, but yet allowing ourselves to dream big.

Running a 5k was a goal for me before and I did it. I was so excited to run the whole thing and be in better shape. I want to be healthier and more fit again. I have had such a difficult time with my weight after my last 2 pregnancies, but today was the day I put my running shoes on and took those first steps. Today is the day for you too. Allow yourself to fly! Dream big and don’t give up.