I was honored, yet petrified, to share a bit of my history with worship this last weekend and where the passion for it began. I have felt lately that God wants me to share more about my past with people. I haven’t completely conquered the whole speaking in front of people trauma I feel, but hopefully it will come soon. Just a little bit of social anxiety that hasn’t quite let go of me yet. Anyway, I talked about how I began to worship God as a little girl. I loved worship in church and loved singing choruses on my own. I tried to explain that I didn’t grow up with a good or normal mother. (Previous blogs go into this a bit more.) She had issues and still does to this day. She could attempt to control everything about my life, but she could never control my passion for worship. I tried to say some things without shedding tears, but alas, I failed on that part. If you don’t know anything about me, I dislike being vulnerable very much.
I have so many memories of sitting outside in the cold North Dakota winters and singing a song over and over again until I had tears running down my face because God’s presence was so thick all around me. I would sit at the piano when my parents were gone and try to write my own songs. God was not only fighting a battle for my mind and life during this time, He was teaching me about turning my focus from myself to Him. He taught me how to worship Him always; not just in the good times.
I may not have felt God’s favor during these times, but even as a child, I felt like there was something more that was going to come later. I was going to one day understand. I have found much favor as an adult with many aspects of my life. I find favor at jobs I’ve worked and in the church. I have been raised up as a worship leader in different churches, while other churches pretended I didn’t exist. (At least that is what it felt like to me!) One thing that God taught me as a child though, was that no matter how I feel or what I’m going through, He is still worthy. He is still wanting my worship. No matter if I’m a worship leader at a church or not, I’m going to be worshiping God in my home and with my family. I truly believe that because of this attitude of constant worship, God’s favor has never left me. I may have gone through seasons of testing where no one was calling for me to sing or lead anywhere, but it has never stopped me from doing what I am called to do. Too many times, we go through seasons of life where we complain because nobody sees our talent or anointing; or we blame other people because we’re not being raised up, but God has a plan for each one of us. I have always known my call is to lead others into worship. Going through what I have gone through as a child and adult, has prepared me for my call in greater ways than if my life had been perfect thus far. I understand that now, but during those times of darkness I didn’t, but that never stopped me from worshiping at my keyboard facing the wall.
You may feel like you’re in a prison like Joseph was. Joseph knew he was meant for more than that. It can be very difficult to see through the thick darkness of the valley you may be going through, but don’t give up. Learn everything you can. Seek God and keep your eyes on Him. Give Him honor and praise. God’s favor is on you and it has never left!
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