Well, I should have known better. The other day I was actually commending myself on finally becoming a more relaxed, more peaceful mother. I felt like I hadn’t yelled or screamed at my kids in quite a while. It was a good moment of realization, but I really should have known that was going to soon be tested. Today was that day for me; and I failed. I failed miserably. I am so blessed to have 5 healthy handsome sons, but my 3rd born son has some issues with allergy/asthma problems. My family and I are believing for full healing from it, but until he is healed, he has to take his circle pill every night to help prevent this cough that turns into coughing/puking fits. I try not to complain about it because has never has to have breathing treatments or anything like that, but there were 2 years of his toddlerhood of ER visits and small garbage bins throughout the house for when he had a coughing fit.
Every once in a while, he gets a cough, even on the medicine. This is a horrible oddly sounding cough. It is like he is trying to clear his throat with a weird cough/groan. I don’t even know how to explain it very clear. All I know is that sound that he makes is like an arrow puncturing me to the core. I feel helpless; completely helpless. Mothers do not like to feel helpless. We want to make everything all better. I figured out in the last couple of years that when he gets this cough, to go for the Benadryl instead of cough medicines. He is one of those kids that Benadryl does not affect. He doesn’t get sleepy or crabby or anything from it. Up to two days on Benadryl clears up the cough completely and we no longer have to worry about the wretched cough turning into some sort of infection in his body.
This was the child who has needed more medicine than all of my other sons put together. We used to have to sit on him and try to force medicine down his throat. It sounds terrible, and believe me, it was! These days he takes his chewable tablet every night like a champ and will take some liquid medicines withouth throwing up anymore. Let’s just say………I ran out of his liquid Benadryl last night after the last day of coughing his special cough. I did have a few children’s tablets he could take, but last time he attempted to swallow it, he projectile vomited.
After school today he was doing that cough again, and I could NOT take it. I had to try to get him to take a pill. This was my peace test. This test was going to show off my compassionate motherly skills where I was NOT going to get frustrated. Let’s just say, there was crying by both of us and me begging and pleading for him to just, “swallow that pill!” My peace literally flew out the window. I was devastated. All these weeks and months, even years, of praying to be that Proverbs 31 woman and a calm mother, just ended with an epic failure. I hugged my son and begged his forgiveness.
I think if only God would heal my son right this moment, I wouldn’t have these moments of helplessness and frustration. I wouldn’t have to go through these tests and sometimes pass; sometimes fail. At these moments, I need to understand that these tests help me grow. They help create my character. They help my children see my character grow. It helps my children see that even though I may fail, I still try. These trials and peace tests help us become what God sees in us. My children need to see me fail as well as succeed. We may not always understand why God hasn’t stepped in when we think He should, but we need to remember, God knows us. He knows our hearts and during these tests and trials, He helps us see the truth in ourselves.
My next peace test will probably be something different. It may come tomorrow or next year, but one thing I know, is that I have some things to continue to work on!